By Lindsay Hinmon
I kicked off this series of reasons why we as LDS people have got to get more comfortable talking about sex last week. That article didn’t even begin to scratch the surface, so let’s jump right back into the conversation with reason number two.
2. Sex is Dynamic
Beyond the basic logistics of sex, the experience is dynamic and complex. When it is so rarely talked about and not experienced before marriage, we have very little understanding about what is normal after the wedding. Sex is another form of communication.
I kicked off this series of reasons why we as LDS people have got to get more comfortable talking about sex last week. That article didn’t even begin to scratch the surface, so let’s jump right back into the conversation with reason number two.
2. Sex is Dynamic
Beyond the basic logistics of sex, the experience is dynamic and complex. When it is so rarely talked about and not experienced before marriage, we have very little understanding about what is normal after the wedding. Sex is another form of communication.
Just as there are a myriad of levels to the How often do most couples engage in sexual intimacy? and many others are natural and should be able to be asked without shame or fear. For the unmarried, confusion about what constitutes sexual abuse can be an even more shameful and delicate topic to address. If we can’t talk about it when it’s normal and healthy, how will survivors of sexual abuse find the courage to talk about it when it’s not?
*If you have questions like these or need someone to talk to, make an appointment with a qualified counselor. The staff in the on campus counseling center is professionally trained to help with questions like these, and services are both confidential and free of charge. In cases of questions about abuse you may also speak with your bishop. Please seek help. You are not alone.
3. The Media is a Liar
At this point it’s really beating a dead horse to inform you that the media portrays pretty much everything, but most especially sex, in a way that is almost entirely inaccurate. Most of the information we as LDS people receive on the topic of sex is what we are bombarded with by media as we walk around our daily lives (or sit in front of Netfilx). Despite what the media would have us believe, sex is not:
1. Constantly happening between absurdly attractive strangers
2. Void of lasting emotional implication and impact
3. Something all the cool kids are doing
4. Something that makes you suave, accomplished, powerful, or popular
5. Smooth, flawless, perfectly executed and everybody’s favorite pastime
6. Something that brings a baby into the world that then only appears in every 16th episode and life goes on exactly the way it did before the baby came
7. Something that makes you feel better about yourself
8. Something that solves your (or anyone’s) problems
9. Something to give into because we are a human race driven by biological desires beyond our control
10. Worth giving up anything and everything for, including personal standards of integrity
If we’re not talking about sex as a community of individuals with high moral standards, the conversation will be one that perpetuates every lie I just listed and then some. Let’s talk about sex, and when we do, let’s tell the truth.
4. We All Just Want To Be Normal
Since we have such a hard time talking about what LDS people consider to be “normal” sexuality, it should come as no surprise that we have an even greater aversion to openly discussing anything outside of strict hetersexuality. Newsflash: In case you haven’t heard, there are women in the world who are attracted to women, there are men in the world who are attracted to men, and there are people in the world that really, honestly just aren’t attracted to anyone, and you know what? Some of them are Mormon.
If you haven’t checked out the website www.MormonsAndGays.org I will summarize one simple element of that discussion: it is LDS doctrine that an individual who is attracted to someone of the same gender may remain an active member of our faith in full fellowship so long as he or she doesn’t act on those feelings. What this means is that there are people in your ward who are choosing God over sexual gratification--not just now, but for the long haul. And not only sexual gratification, they are choosing to remain faithful in a church enthusiastically, relentlessly, sometimes overwhelmingly focused on marriage and family.
We are a church with sometimes seemingly endless lessons and talks about getting married and the blessings of the temple. A church with doctrines stating one cannot enter the highest degree of celestial glory without making the marriage covenant in the temple. Now, I have full faith that God will work that last part out for the incredible individuals who choose a life of devotion to God and His commandments, but my question is, do we have to make the life of an active, gay LDS member any more uncomfortable than it already is? Can you imagine sitting in your Sunday School lesson, listening week after week to the same encouragement to take the marital plunge when you never, ever will, by choice, because for you it's the right thing to do? Conversely, imagine having the teacher ask the class, “So, how does this doctrine apply to our same sex attracted brothers and sisters? Does anyone have an experience they can share?”. Even less likely, can you imagine a brave soul responding to such a request? “Well, the path I walk is challenging, but I find strength by…”
And why not? Why couldn’t we have that conversation? And what would happen if we did?
Not talking about it doesn’t make it go away. There are even more ways individuals vary from what we would consider “normal” or “average” that we are railroading every Sunday while we obliviously scurry through our Sunday school lessons. We don’t have to compromise doctrine to achieve clarity or inclusion. We can make and hold a space for whatever is, reserve judgement and view each individual we meet as the child of God she is. Everybody wants to feel accepted, and everybody needs to be loved.
*This is the second installment in a series of Good Reasons to Talk About Sex. Check out the first article here and stay tuned for the final installment.
way we speak to one another-- kind, abrasive, funny, silly, illuminating and damaging--there are many ways of relating to one another sexually. When your knowledge of marital sexual relationships consists of body part 1 + body part 2 = a happy sex life, it can be challenging to understand if what is going on in your marriage is healthy or appropriate. This basic, bare bones explanation of what sex is does nothing to prepare participants for the nuance involved in maintaining a healthy sex life. Questions like, What constitutes abuse within marriage? Am I obligated to have sex with my spouse if he or she wants to?*If you have questions like these or need someone to talk to, make an appointment with a qualified counselor. The staff in the on campus counseling center is professionally trained to help with questions like these, and services are both confidential and free of charge. In cases of questions about abuse you may also speak with your bishop. Please seek help. You are not alone.
3. The Media is a Liar
At this point it’s really beating a dead horse to inform you that the media portrays pretty much everything, but most especially sex, in a way that is almost entirely inaccurate. Most of the information we as LDS people receive on the topic of sex is what we are bombarded with by media as we walk around our daily lives (or sit in front of Netfilx). Despite what the media would have us believe, sex is not:
1. Constantly happening between absurdly attractive strangers
2. Void of lasting emotional implication and impact
3. Something all the cool kids are doing
4. Something that makes you suave, accomplished, powerful, or popular
5. Smooth, flawless, perfectly executed and everybody’s favorite pastime
6. Something that brings a baby into the world that then only appears in every 16th episode and life goes on exactly the way it did before the baby came
7. Something that makes you feel better about yourself
8. Something that solves your (or anyone’s) problems
9. Something to give into because we are a human race driven by biological desires beyond our control
10. Worth giving up anything and everything for, including personal standards of integrity
If we’re not talking about sex as a community of individuals with high moral standards, the conversation will be one that perpetuates every lie I just listed and then some. Let’s talk about sex, and when we do, let’s tell the truth.
4. We All Just Want To Be Normal
Since we have such a hard time talking about what LDS people consider to be “normal” sexuality, it should come as no surprise that we have an even greater aversion to openly discussing anything outside of strict hetersexuality. Newsflash: In case you haven’t heard, there are women in the world who are attracted to women, there are men in the world who are attracted to men, and there are people in the world that really, honestly just aren’t attracted to anyone, and you know what? Some of them are Mormon.
If you haven’t checked out the website www.MormonsAndGays.org I will summarize one simple element of that discussion: it is LDS doctrine that an individual who is attracted to someone of the same gender may remain an active member of our faith in full fellowship so long as he or she doesn’t act on those feelings. What this means is that there are people in your ward who are choosing God over sexual gratification--not just now, but for the long haul. And not only sexual gratification, they are choosing to remain faithful in a church enthusiastically, relentlessly, sometimes overwhelmingly focused on marriage and family.
We are a church with sometimes seemingly endless lessons and talks about getting married and the blessings of the temple. A church with doctrines stating one cannot enter the highest degree of celestial glory without making the marriage covenant in the temple. Now, I have full faith that God will work that last part out for the incredible individuals who choose a life of devotion to God and His commandments, but my question is, do we have to make the life of an active, gay LDS member any more uncomfortable than it already is? Can you imagine sitting in your Sunday School lesson, listening week after week to the same encouragement to take the marital plunge when you never, ever will, by choice, because for you it's the right thing to do? Conversely, imagine having the teacher ask the class, “So, how does this doctrine apply to our same sex attracted brothers and sisters? Does anyone have an experience they can share?”. Even less likely, can you imagine a brave soul responding to such a request? “Well, the path I walk is challenging, but I find strength by…”
And why not? Why couldn’t we have that conversation? And what would happen if we did?
Not talking about it doesn’t make it go away. There are even more ways individuals vary from what we would consider “normal” or “average” that we are railroading every Sunday while we obliviously scurry through our Sunday school lessons. We don’t have to compromise doctrine to achieve clarity or inclusion. We can make and hold a space for whatever is, reserve judgement and view each individual we meet as the child of God she is. Everybody wants to feel accepted, and everybody needs to be loved.
*This is the second installment in a series of Good Reasons to Talk About Sex. Check out the first article here and stay tuned for the final installment.